Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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