I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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