maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
