I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
