someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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