just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
