Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
