im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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