Just fell off a train. Bad.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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