just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I wish there were birth control emojis
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
