Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
