May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
