Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
