There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
