I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Of course I have a pirate flag
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
