"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
