Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
