so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
