My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
