This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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