i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
