70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
