my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
