I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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