no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
