are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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