I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
