I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
