I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
