i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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