Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
