I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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