Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
