I could make wine with my vomit
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
