I met the friendliest cop last night
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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