dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
