Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
