Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
