can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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