sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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