i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
