i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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