It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
