I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Randomize
