I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
