My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
