i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
