In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
