My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
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