I wanna bring you to show and tell
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
