Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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