i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
