Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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