You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
