Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize