Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
