Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
